Kids say the darndest things

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1.While sharing a room with me, April discovered that I snore. If we were in the same bed, she'd either kick the mattress enough to wake me, or occasionally poke me. But once, when I was in the other bed, she actually got up and poked me. Then she asked, "Can you sleep on your stomach?"

I was revealing this to her father on our car ride from the airport. April quickly cut in and said, "But she said no, her neck hurt too much." She paused and then said, "I felt so betrayed."

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2. April's review of Boston: What's with these Boston restaurants and their tiny bathrooms?

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3. Sunday I asked April if she had a crush on any of Alex’s teammates. She looked at me with disgust. Then I asked if he had a crush on anyone.

April:No.

Me: well, you do kinda. Like Da (Aidan), Daddy, and Bubba (Alex). 

April: And Boppa - he’s cool.

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4, April told me going home today that we should "extra-cise."  I told her I extrasize every day!  (That's the problem! LOL.

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5. 13 Year Old Vincent: So you cried at the Inauguration but you didn’t even cry at the birth of your son?!?

Lenny (his father) : Because your birth won’t bring about the destruction of this country.

Vincent: ...We’ll see.

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6. April has now dubbed her Aunt Jodi "Aunt Jedi." (Her mouth was going faster than her brain.

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7. My 3 year old granddaughter Jane has a mind of her own. Here are some of her remarks from last Friday when we had her for the night:

When one of her brother's friend patted her on the head, she ran a few steps then said, "I don't want her to pet me.  I'm not an animal!

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After she won cookies in the cookie walk, she turned to me and said, "I'm done here." (She was ready to go home)
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In the car, she kept telling her brother, "I know everything!"  So he says, "Do you know what 10 divided by 2 is?"  I turned to him and said, "Vincent, do you know the capital of Vermont?"  After a pause, he said, "I don't know."  Jane then piped up, "I don't know.  I don't care!"

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8. When we saw "Sherman and Mr. Peabody" at the theater with 5 of the 6 grandkids, I asked Jacob if he learned anything about history and he said, "Yeah, I learned Tut rhymes with butt."  

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9. Granddaughter Jane asked her mom for soup for dinner. Then she added on a side plate a chocolate chip muffin, then, a chocolate chip cookie, then a piece of chocolate. Her mom said, “That sounds like...”and paused to think of the word she wanted— when Vincent hollered from the back room, “It sounds like diabetes!”

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10. Paul to April: Your air conditioner still isn't working.
April: Awwww.

Paul: So what? I didn't get air-conditioning in my house until after I left home!

April: Well, does that mean WE have to move?

Paul: No, everyone goes down different paths.

April: Yeah, downhill.

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11. Paul to April: Do you know what Nipponese  means?

April: More than two nipples? 

(In case you didn’t know, it’s another word for Japanese)

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12. This morning when we dropped April off, we saw the truck for the school district's pony mail. She asked us why it was called that, and we told her it was because of the Pony Express. "Have you heard of the Pony Express," I asked her. "No," she said, "but I've heard of the Panda Express."

The image made Paul and me crack up.

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13. April: (while watching videos on my computer) Can I have cream cheese and crackers? ( her usual after school snack)
Me: Sure, in a few minutes. I’m reading something.
April: Okay.
Five minutes later I hear her growl.
Me: Is something wrong?
April: Yes. I don’t have my cream cheese and crackers. 

Oh , so sorry, your majesty. 

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14. Jacob, looking at his mom's Halloween zombie costume: "You look like you do in the morning!"

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15. Jacob after his baseball game:  "I can win without even losing!"

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16. I was showing April a video of herself at age 2 singing Justin Bieber's "Baby," in front of my front room bookshelves.  She then walked over to the same bookshelves and declared, "I've grown 2 shelves!" (She's 10)

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17. In 2007 we took Alex and Alicia with us to a family reunion in Arkansas. The family was using a microphone to tell stories, and Alex asked for a turn. First he said, "I'm Alex." Then I asked him what a gator says, and he said, "Chomp," and made the gator arm gesture. Then he turned right around and gave a raspberry!!

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18. When Alicia was about 3, we took her to an FSU Booster Club meeting, which was held in a restaurant on top of a dog racing track. We took the elevator down after the meeting and the door opened just as one of the races had finished and the crowd was coming through the gate. Alicia spotted a man with dreadlocks, pointed, and yelled, "Look, NeeNee! A pirate!"

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19. The strange world of Minecraft:
I have an iron shovel! Back off!
Jane, don’t kill April.
Now you’ve destroyed my house.
I need food desperately.
I need a pick ax.
I need like 5 torches.
I can’t cuz it’s not cooked yet.
Ooooh, I’m gonna die!
Hello, Birdman.
My torch is not working!
Look at me!
Look at all these zombies!
Does someone have a chest?
I’ve got three ladders.
Blue Lord, how did you get …?
Alicia, do you have an extra pick ax?
Hello, guys!
Hold on guys, I’m going to go get some wood.
Alex! You scared me!
If I don’t make it back …
Here, I’m coming with you.
The zombies can still be alive, it’s raining!
There’s a hole …
I’m going into my hiding place.
Fine, I’ll make my own room!
Can I take some dirt?
I’ve got stuff for you.
There’s a baby zombie with armor … stuck in the ground.
Alex, get back in the house!
I’m coming, I’m coming.  I’m dropping down.
I have 22 pieces of dirt.
I don’t know how to throw it.
I’m safe.
And the game continued ...

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20. Jane is testing April’s vocabulary. 

Jane: “What do you call it when you give people food?”

April:  “Feeding.”

Jane:  “What do you call it when you give people a drink?”

April: “They can get their own drink!”

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21. Jane was discussing drinks with her cousin. I missed the first part of the sentence but it ended with “add some fricking vodka.” She’s 8.

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22. I asked April today if her classmates were all writing her name on their papers. Her shoulders slightly slumped and she said, “No, they just write 4.” 

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23. So this morning, Alicia runs up to her mother, whining, "April's throwing dirt on me, AND she called me 'old lady' TWICE!" What an insult!!! LOL.

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24. My mother was trying to get Vincent to use the potty by giving him a nickle to put in the bank every time he went. The other day she was coaxing him to use it again, when he said, "I already have five nickles; I don't think I need six." 

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25. The song "My Way" was on TV.

Me: That's a Frank Sinatra song.

April: I know.
Me: You know Frank Sinatra?
April: If you know Boppa, you know Frank.

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26. April was having a hard time expressing herself one afternoon and finally spit out, “I can’t English today. The words are lacking

 out of my mouth.” Then she added, “I’m just a month who’s having a hard time Englishing.”

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27. Alicia: (doing math):  I have to have an open array!
Me: Huh?  All we did was convert to an improper fraction, multiply, then convert back to a mixed number.
Alicia:  Yeah.  I know what that's called.  It's a traditional algorithm.
Me:  (crickets) ...

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28. Alex sneezed and I said, "Gesundheit!" He thought I said, "Shoes and tie."

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29. The other day, I was quoting Vincent (when he was young) saying, "I'm changing schools like a hermit crab changes shells," and Alex thought I said, "...like Democrats are changing shelves." He was wondering why Democrats had to change shelves!

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30. "So what's your words of wisdom today?"
April: "I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have words of whizz!" (She had to go to the bathroom)

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31. Paul sees Jane standing by herself outside.
Paul: What are you doing?
Jane: I'm in jail.
Paul: Why are you in jail?
Jane: Because I stole onions.
Paul: Why did you steal onions?
Jane: To keep people away from me!

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32. Me: Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.
April: (shrugs)
Me: it means bad luck.
April: is it because it's my birthday?
Me: No.
April: Is it because I'm the Queen of Terror?

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33. Took the granddaughters to dinner at Outback.  Here are some gems from the night:

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The wait staff was passing out samples of calamari and Alicia asked me what it was.  I told her it was squid.  Jane looked up and said, "Is it dead?"

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Alicia accused April of "tooting" in her face.  April denied it.  Alicia ran down the walk about 10 feet and said, "It smells worse over here!"  So she turned around and ran in the other direction.  "I can still smell it," she said.  April's comment:  "You're being followed by the cloud of death."

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The girls decided to call the "Boppataxi" to take us home.  Paul asked Alicia if it was the Tijuana Taxi.  She said, "What?" He said, "Tijuana Taxi."  She said, "Yes, I wanna taxi!"

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34. Yesterday after I helped April with her math, I said, "Math can be kinda fun, huh?"  She answered, "Yeah, but not as fun as reading."

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35. Me:  What do you want for breakfast?
April:  4 sausages and 9 pancakes.
Me:  I don't think you can eat 9 pancakes.
April:  Okay.  Make me one pancake and cut it in nine pieces.

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36. Today April came running up to tell me that she and Alicia had touched the tortoise's shell.  I said, "But the signs say don't bother the tortoises."  She paused for a moment, then said, "Yeah ... but he didn't mind."

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37. When I told Jane I saw a pink bird, she asked, “Was it a tablespoon?” (roseate spoonbill)

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38. Today April (5 years old) told me she wanted to be a cop.  When I asked her why, her response was "I'm a prodigy. So I'll be a cop." At least she didn't say princess or actress.

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39. Yesterday, April and I were playing oversized badminton,when she stopped and said, "That's why I like playing with you.  You're so joyful!"

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40. Alex's last baseball game of the season. They won 7-6. While we were there, I bought fries for the girls to share. At the end of the game, Alicia came up to me whining. "I only got one fry. April got the rest." April turns to me, opens her eyes wide, and says, "Whoops!"

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41. When his mother asked him if something was dirty, this guy ran his finger over it and then declared, "Nope. It's clean as a rhino."

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42. This little girl saw a picture of our 16th president on the wall of my library, pointed to it and said, "Hey, look! It's Hammerhead Lincoln!"

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43. When this guy found out his mom and dad were hosting Thanksgiving, he was worried. "Where are they all going to park?"

His mom said, "They can park on the driveway or the street, or if they have to, they can park in the yard."

He sighed, his shoulders slumping. "That's an awful lot of work," he replied.

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44. Alex told Alicia that Daddy had already left for work and she missed him. Alicia - "Daddy came in and gave me a kiss while I was sleeping"... Alex- "How do you know if you were sleeping?" Alicia- "I was sleeping, but my ears were on."

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45. Jane likes to say, with fist clenched, "give 'em a piece of your mind". It's from the "Expert" video her daddy plays for her.

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46. April: Would you play some music? (in the car)
Paul moves as if to power the music on

April: Not YOUR music, Boppa! It's too soothing!

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47. So my son Jeff was unpacking groceries and April (22 months) wanted to help. So he gave her a 9 pack of toilet paper and told her to put it next to the toilet. Next thing he hears her tell him something was stuck. He walked in, and she had put the whole 9 pack in the toilet and had tried to close the lid. Guess she needs to learn her prepositions! lol!

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48. "One day my voice WILL change. But now I sound like a little pip squeak mouse."~ April

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49. Me: April, put your stuff in your backpack. 
April: I'm going to color.
Me: Did you hear me?
April: yeah. Blah blah blah.

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50. April had this subtraction problem for homework.

Susie had 5 radishes. She ate 3. How many does she have left?

April's answer: "I don't like radishes."  

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51. Alex: Where do sick animals go?

His answer: To the "farm"acy!

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52. Me: coughing.

April: Are you okay?
Me: Yes. (Pause). Are you going to take care of me when I'm old?
April: You ARE old!

Reality bites.

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53. One spring break, my mother and I took the grandsons to the Marianna Caverns in north Florida.  As we were walking through the parking lot, we saw a solitary sneaker sitting on top of the rock.  The boys immediately began

calling it the "Legendary Shoe", and did this:

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54. April tooted rather loudly on our way home from school. After we got into the house, I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom.

April: No. 

Me: I thought you might need to because you tooted so loudly in the car.

April: No, I just fart randomly.

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55. Neighborhood girl's mother called across to her.

April: "What'd she say?"
Me: "I think she said that her toaster strudel was ready. Isn't that what she said?"
April: "I don't know. I'm not a mastermind."

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56. "I'm making this a time travel box so you can HURRY UP WITH MY FOOD!"~Jacob

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57. Alex had gotten a little car at McDonald's, and a part snapped off. I told him I could fix it when we got home. It took me all of 10 seconds to figure out what to do. So when I finished I said to him, "I'm a genius!" and he responded, quite somberly, "Because you're a librarian." LOL

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58. Jane was telling me that they watched a video about recycling and repurposing in class. She said "One lady made a vase, but she called it a 'vahz'." Then she giggled and said, "Like the Wizard of 'Vahz."

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59. So today April was telling me a story about Jeff, and she said, "So Daddy, also known as your son..."

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60. April drawing shapes.

Nee Nee: Can you draw a rhombus?
April: No.
Boppa: Can you draw a Remus (pun on Romulus)
April: No.

Nee Nee: Tell Boppa you're just pulling my leg now.

April: Boppa, you're just pulling Nee Nee's leg now.

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61. The boys discovered a new tongue twister. We were talking about why Canadian geese were called Canadian when they were in America. I told them (jokingly) they were now called "immigrant geese." They then challenged each other to say "immigrant geese" real fast 3 times.

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62. One day after April went potty in our toilet, Paul told her not to flush. She stood outside the door as Paul went on to relieve himself in the same toilet. When he came out, April looked up to him and asked, "Why you pee on my pee?"

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63. While we were in Europe, we Skyped the grandkids. In one conversation, we mentioned that if we won the PowerBall, we'd "bring them over." 
Alicia thought we said we'd "bring them yogurt." She says, "I don't like yogurt!" to Alex.

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64. April called the photo below "Hall Monitors."

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65. Took the grandkids to see Pete's Dragon. Afterwards 

Me: (crying)
Alicia: (crying)
Alex: "I felt like crying but I held it in."
April: "Why are you all crying?"

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66. At the end of a short walk today, as Jane and I were chatting, she said, "I wonder how God is going to organize me as a teenager?"  

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67. Lenny (Jane's father) had flown to Baltimore for the weekend. Jessica was talking to the dog (Mozz) and asking him if he missed his daddy because he was "far, far away." Jane was listening in and piped up "Yeah, he's in Voldemort (Baltimore)!" Then when Jessica tried to inform Lenny of his daughter's quip, Jane grabbed her phone and texted (to him), "Mom has lies!" 

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68. Took the grandsons down to Sanibel Island and ate at the Bubble Room.  Alex picked up his fork(which was slightly warped) and asked, "What's wrong with this spoon?"
"Uh, it's a fork?"

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69. Jodi and I took Alex and Jacob on a trip to NC one October. We had to stop for a school bus that was letting off kids and Alex questioned why. We reminded him it was a school day. He replied, "Oh, I forgot we were still in the world!"

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70. Six year old April's vocabulary just amazes me. While at lunch, her cousin Jane got a green straw, so I said, "Hey, you got my favorite color!" April pulled out her orange straw and said, "And I got your arch nemesis!" (My least favorite color)! 

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71. Me: April, you crack me up.

April: Like a peanut shell?

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72. Today, April asked me to get her French fries.  We asked her what the magic word was... She said, "miska mooska Mickey Mouse!". Kid watches too much TV! Lol!

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73. When I told Alicia I'd like the families to get together for a picnic at the beach, she said, "If it's at the beach, it's a Beachnic. 

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74. Vincent to his mom. “I completed a challenge today...”

His mom.  “You know what challenge you failed to complete today? All your schoolwork.”

Grandson: “Well, you failed at the challenge to use a condom when I was conceived.”

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75. The grandkids' favorite joke --

"Have you seen the movie "Constipation?"

"No."

"It hasn't come out yet."

76. **********

My grandson, Jacob, has expressed the opinion that Boppa and I are rich. I finally asked him why he thinks so.  He pointed to my shelves and said, "Look at all the books you have!" I am rich, indeed, if you  count books!